[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe