STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice