STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?