🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I have no passwords left in me
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*pokes sex life with a stick
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.