Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Does this dress make me look cat?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is