My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
March 16
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”