me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.