jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.