My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
the council will decide your fate
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video