I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic