Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!