Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
When your man makes a valid point
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
i will not be silenced
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”