Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues