Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

how to market bottled water to dads

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*