Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…