Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.