I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*