I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.