I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My loaf of bread looks terrified