Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.