Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Dammit Chief not again
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.