All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Scream sneezers need love too.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.