To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.