To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My favorite farside!!
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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.