I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You Might Also Like
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.