Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*