that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”