Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.