Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
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As the Lord intended
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it鈥檒l be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don鈥檛 understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they鈥檒l get mad and tell your bigger boss.
馃幍If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds馃幍
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I鈥檓 wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Bit chilly again tonight.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
you know you鈥檙e related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it鈥檚 today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I鈥檓 saving my appetite for something pure
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.