Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids