I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
You Might Also Like
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
an airline just for babies.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.