It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
new wife guy just dropped
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese