a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.