“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”