sugar glider wrangler
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!