JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.