What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.