We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!