To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
#winning
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.