To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
ME: My search continues
Doctor: Do you smoke?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone