To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.