I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.