is there nothing we can trust anymore
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.