If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
THIS HEADLINE
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My god she’s good.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
one of
Covid like
What
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*