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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I have never related to a cat more
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments