“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.