[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.


there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture


You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?


Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.


Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted


A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.


1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal


Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere


Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel