Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.