me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am