How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls