Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Does it…does it take 3 days
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
What the hell happened in there??
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.