If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: