Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!