It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Thinking about Jeff
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
🙅🏻
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.