Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?