I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.