date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…