Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.